There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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