Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
