On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
