If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
