i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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