you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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