meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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