Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
