i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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