We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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