My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
