A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
