I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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