$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
