Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
