I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
