she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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