I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
