drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
