Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
