i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
