He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
