Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
