i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
