he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
