I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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