Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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