Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
