I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I think I won the penis lottery.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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