i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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