Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
