Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
