my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
