Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
