when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
