The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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