somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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