I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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