next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
