Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
