I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
