Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
