3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
