I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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