You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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