I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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