oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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