Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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