do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
