I was born with a shot glass in my hand
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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