From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
This is my gift to your gina
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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