Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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